Go time

I haven't felt much inspiration to write the past few weeks. My strengths have never lied in patience. Making the decision to relocate this fall has made the weeks when it was too early to start packing or look for a new job just feel like anticipating your birthday and realizing it is still 6 months away when you're a kid.

But now! Now we are deep into "go time"! Not only are we moving, but we are also traveling for two weeks to Italy! It's the last big item on our "pre-baby bucket list". We've been talking about going to Italy basically our entire relationship of 10 years. I think we've been subconsciously delaying it as we knew that it was something we had to do before we have kids. We are finally ready to go and are so looking forward to the time together, exploring a country with a rich history, amazing art, and fabulous food and wine. Then when we come home, we move within 10 days back to Colorado.

So many emotions have been taking place since "go time" officially started. It feels good to purge things we don't use. Give away things we know others can use, and donate to people in need. It's also stressful. Are we thinking of everything we need to do? Are we missing any key pieces? It's been waking me up early this entire week with my brain moving like a ferris wheel.  Around and around, stopping every now and then to load or unload a thought. Bittersweet is exactly what I'm feeling about leaving Chicago and moving to Denver. Leaving people who have become family isn't easy. It wasn't easy when we moved three years ago and it's not easy now. I will miss so many and so much about this city. But...  I AM excited to check out in Italy and just enjoy the moment and make some lovely memories with my partner in crime.

When we return we'll be in full swing moving mode, saying "see ya later" to family and friends, and making the most of our final days as Chicago residents. (sniff, sniff)

In the spirit of my blogging idol, Kelle Hampton, www.kellehampton.com, here are a few things I've been enjoying...

13.1 completed in Chicago's Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 Marathon!

Soaking up some sun at Lake Michigan!

Italy planning with some amazing Italian fare!

Mani/pedi's with friends and Moscato!

31st Birthday! Excited for what the next year will bring!

The beauty of Niagara Falls

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life. 

This song has never meant more to me as it does now. This was our high school song when I graduated. At 17, I didn't really understand the weight of these words. The first walls of my Lego castle have gone up. We have come to a few conclusions about our future.

This meandering river that is life is taking a turn, one we did not expect or anticipate to happen this year. We are going back to my home. We have decided to close down the party in Chicago this fall and move back to Denver to work towards our new goals. Turning 30 for both of us has changed our priorities. We both realize that we want to settle down. We want a house, a family, a dog, and for me, a new career. 

We came to Chicago to play. We played. We played and laughed. Hard. It has been an amazing time, and we will have been here just over three years when we leave. I feel so grateful for the experience we've had. It will always be a time in our life I look back on with a smile and joy in my heart.

With our new priorities in place, we both realize it's time to move on. It's time to enjoy and relish in the last smooth ride down the river path we're on and in a few weeks, get ready to flow with the changed course. It feels good to keep moving forward, but bittersweet to bring this fabulous chapter to a close. I owe Chicago and the friends we've made here a great deal of thanks. I'm planning a love letter to Chicago. Our friends will get theirs too.


Now more then ever it's important I live in the now. We have lots of plans to make, packing, sorting, and the fun task of moving and a 14 hour drive. But all of that will come. It's not here yet. So I want to file away the to do list and focus on being fully present in what's going on now. I love Chicago and will be sad to leave. But I'm not leaving yet - so excuse me while I relish!

Legos

I have this mental image in my mind of a pile of legos strewn across the floor, all the pieces there, but it's up to me to put them together. Arrange them in a way that makes sense and build something. I feel I've only identified that big green base and the other pieces, in a variety of shapes and colors await being chosen before anyone else can really make sense of what I see built in my head.

I've always been a person that likens things I don't understand to the things I do. And right now I can't identify all of the pieces and what they represent in rebuilding my professional life, but I know the pieces are there and it's going to take time, information, and support to decide just when to use each one and whether it's part of an individual piece or one that connects two things together. Just like building a castle out of Legos, you start with the base and sort through the loose pieces until you identify just the right one and push it into place.

I'm impatient. I want the castle built as soon as possible. But I know that it will take time. Maybe only one or two pieces will be placed a week if I'm lucky and that's hard. So I'm working on the patient part, the one that silences the "what ifs" or "I can'ts" and chooses happy in the meantime. Happy to feel excited and motivated to make this change. Happy to have the support of the most important people in my life. Happy to be taking care of me and making strides to be the best I can be both mentally and physically. I'm choosing happy even though there are unknowns and pieces that I know I won't be able to use for awhile. And as this blueprint of the next chapter of my life unfolds...

I choose happy.

Bling, Bling!

10 miles - check! I did it. I ran 10 miles! It was an amazing feeling as I completed each mile, not thinking about how many were left, but where would I be if I were on a training run? Or how far I've come not only physically but mentally too. Or admiring those that were out there with me. And of course, the bling. The bling that was waiting for me at the end. The shiny piece of metal that would say to the world - I just ran. I just ran far enough that they gave me this! I've done a number of 5k and 8k races, even a few sprint triathlons. But this is my first piece of bling, and I am proud.

It was also very cool to run during Memorial Day Weekend, finish inside Soldier Field, and hear some touching stories about our men and women in uniform during the opening ceremonies. We are so blessed to live in a country where we are free to run the streets, free to live where we want, eat where we want, work where we want, and free to say what we want to say. For this, I am thankful.

Knowing that I have come from barely being able to finish 5 miles to running 10 and feeling great gives me the experience of knowing that I can work toward something and achieve it. I now need to harness that confidence and pride into my professional life. Deciding to change careers and considering going back to school is scary. Totally scary. But nothing worth having is easy. I am working on keeping my eye on the bling at the end to help me through. Thanks to some special people in my life who remind me of this. It might be tough now, but there is bling at the end and if I want it bad enough, I can keep pushing when it hurts, when it gets uncomfortable, or when I want to stop. And for this reminder, I am also thankful.

Workin' for the bling!

Legs

It's time to be thankful for my legs instead of always wishing they were longer or thinner or more toned or tan! My legs have done amazing things for me the past few months. They have made me a runner! Did I ever think that when I started this blog that I would become a runner? Nope. Not even a little bit. I thought that was Dan's thing, not mine. Every stride, every mile, it was earned in a huge way. It was so much effort, it was so hard, my heart rate was high, it didn't feel right. Now that I have learned a new form, I ran the furthest I've ever run last week, 8 miles! And it felt good.

In the pursuit of bling, (since I haven't received a medal for any 5k or 8ks), a friend of mine recently convinced me to take on the Soldier Field 10 Mile race this weekend. Not only do you earn a finisher's medal, but also a stadium blanket and of course a shirt for signing up. Woot, woot! Score! So as I was looking into the salon mirror while getting my hair done last week, I noticed my legs. I thought that I really still need to work on toning them, lose more weight, get a tan, etc. But then I started thinking, wait a second. Don't be so hard on them!

Then I saw this, which summed up my thoughts exactly as I decided to take it easy on my legs.

I think I'll print this out and next time I start thinking mean things about my legs, I'll read this. Thanks legs, I appreciate ya!

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." by Lao Tzu

Soul searching. Reflection. Time. All of these are gifts. I believe very strongly that everything happens for a reason, and I feel I'm on the brink of discovering why I was laid off from my most recent job. Unhappy, uninspired, unengaged. This is not how I want to live my life. I was let go from a profitable position, but the profit was in my bank account, not in my soul, heart or mind. It feels as if the fog is lifting and I'm about to realize why this happened to me, (for the second time), and why it's important I take this time to search my soul and reflect on my life so far and what I want for my life going forward.

I have realized I have a true interest and developing passion for a healthy lifestyle. When thinking about what I'm passionate about, it's hard for me to think of anything beyond loving my family and friends. Enjoying the life I have while I have it, and letting those I love know it. Then I thought back to the last three months that I haven't had a job. I've taken up running and I've made an effort to learn and incorporate more healthy foods into my and my husband's diets and I am thrilled to talk to anyone about it and how they aim to live healthier.

This lead me to realize that perhaps I should look into a career as a health coach or registered dietician or nutritionist. A career that aligns with how I want to live my life, how I want to teach my future children to live, and how I would love to help others do the same.

So now I'm sorting out education options and which jobs are available for which credentials. But when I wake up in the morning and think about this as my new career, I'm excited. My belly fills with anticipation and could it be? Passion? Passion for bettering my own life, that of my loved ones, and the lives of complete strangers? What is better then that? Yes, please.

Quiet

I used to really dislike the quiet. So I'd turn on the tv or some music to keep from being completely alone with my thoughts. This new me emerging enjoys a quiet morning with no music, no tv, and just the sounds of the city and the construction happening on the roof ringing through my apartment. We are now 12 weeks into my unemployment. I've learned before, but know more then ever why patience is considered a virtue. Waiting to hear from a potential employer should be considered a mild form of torture, but alas, we all have to do it multiple times in our lives whether it's waiting for a professional opportunity or waiting for that little bundle of joy to arrive who will soon become the boss in your house.

I realize watching tv is a form of relaxation for me. But what I also realize is it doesn't allow me to think about me. It gives me something to laugh about or cry about or judge or just enjoy, but it doesn't help me grow. It doesn't challenge me to be who I am or give me an opportunity to ask myself questions like, "what do I want"? Granted, there is some quality television out there that may provide these opportunities, but I'm guessing the shows I used to watch, and still do when I just need a break, aren't intended for that. So now I find time to give myself a chance to choose who I am and work toward who I'm going to be when the tv is off, there's no music in the background, and I'm left alone with my thoughts and wishes. Today I wanted to write. It's funny because the job I'm currently waiting to hear about is very heavy in writing but they aren't sure of my ability since I don't have any professional writing experience. But I just assure them, I do enjoy it and would relish in the chance to do it as a part of my job.

As difficult as not knowing what's going to happen and when I'm going to land my next job is, I am so thankful for the time I've been given to truly think about and start becoming the person I've wanted to be for a long time but was too stressed or too focused on others to commit to. I believe more than anything that everything happens for a reason, and understand at this point that this time was given to me to start spreading my wings and realizing what it is that brings me joy. I'm still figuring it out but have definitely made progress.

Time to go for a run. Because I want to and I'm excited and committed to training for a half marathon. Other items on the agenda today include finalizing plans for the Europe trip we've been waiting for 10 years to take, plan a menu for appetizers for a birthday celebration tomorrow, and keep cleaning in preparation for friends to come over. 

Enjoy the quiet. 

Living the good life....

Being home, spending a lot of time alone, noticing dust bunnies and spider webs that I was too busy to see before... I'm finding a way to actually enjoy it.  I find I'm slowly but surely becoming more of the person I want to be.  Eating my veggies, (or drinking them), setting a goal and working toward it, (a half marathon!), turning off the tv and reading, organizing, cooking, or meeting friends for lunch.  I feel unusually calm and incredibly thankful.  Thankful to have the chance to become more of who I want to be.  Thankful for friends and family for their unconditional support.  Thankful for a wonderful husband who is always there when I need him.  Thankful to be alive and (finally) feel like I'm thriving.  

The run clinic I previously posted about changed me from a wanna-be runner to a runner!  It's amazing.  I run now and I feel more comfortable, I feel calmer since my heart rate is within a normal range and not too high, and I feel strong for being able to run without stopping up to 5 miles!  So I signed up for a half marathon and I feel completely committed and excited about it.  Week 1 of training is down, 15 more to go!  

Cheers to health!
 

Juicing

Running on the lake

 

One foot in front of the other...

Today I'm thankful for:

* the feet in my shoes 
* the run clinic that gave me tips that helped me enjoy a 3 mile run today
* friends that know me and know how to help me

As I ran today and enjoyed it more then I have in a long time, I'm reminded that life really is just one step at a time.  Tomorrow will be four weeks since I lost my job.  A job search is quite involved.  It really is about who you know.  It's discouraging, it's exciting, it's a series of steps and being in the right place at the right time and talking to the right people.  So I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other as I lay the foundation to getting my next job.  The feelings I've had the last four weeks have been as volatile as Nicki Minaj's wardrobe, and the next four weeks will probably be the same.  But what matters is that each day I put one foot in front of the other, just like running. I wonder where my steps will take me tomorrow... 

"Get involved!"

As we find our new normal, (I say we and mostly mean I), our weekends feel different since I know it's time spent with my partner in crime and when Monday morning comes, he'll go to work and I'll be left to keep working to figure out what's next for me.  

Knowing that, and as much as I want to soak up every moment of companionship the weekend affords me, I find myself inspired to take this opportunity to make shifts toward being more of the person I want to be.  I want to build confidence as I further define me, live healthier and enjoy life and the beauty it has to offer more.  Dan has his crazy to attend to with a long training run this weekend, taking time to nourish his crazy, so it's time for me to open my eyes to the world outside of my previous routine and look at each day as an opportunity to grow and explore who I want to be in this next chapter of my life.


"Get involved!"  These words continue to ring through my head thanks to my 6th grade teacher who may never know the impact he's had on my life.  "Get involved!" aka, "turn off Bravo, get off the couch, get dressed and get out there!  Life is waiting for you!"  When I signed my name on the sheet yesterday to participate in a running clinic this morning, taking one of only 15 spots, I wasn't sure if I would actually get up and go.  There would surely be strangers there and what if I embarrass myself?  My pj's are so comfortable on a Sunday morning....

I have been attempting to begin a love affair with running for the past 5 years, but we just can't seem to find the spark.  Alas, when something came up that I almost said I would skip the clinic for, I remembered my efforts to be more of the person I want to be.  That includes doing things because I want to and putting myself first sometimes.  I didn't offer to skip the clinic as the old me would have most certainly done.  I went and so glad I did.  I learned and it made me want to go try out my new found knowledge about running form to see if I wouldn't be able to woo my body into giving running another chance at some affection.


Today I say thank you:

Thanks Mr. O for searing those words into my mind.  They help me do things that are outside of my comfort zone and have helped me in the past to try new things and find new friends.  I will keep repeating these words as I venture into my tomorrows.  Thank you.

Gratitude

Being the creature of habit that I am, it's not surprising that when change is forced upon me, it stresses me out.  I lost my job three weeks ago.  Although I am excited about the guaranteed change ahead, it's still change and it's still scary.  I like a routine and when that routine is taken from you due to your company "eliminating your position", it's quite a roller coaster of emotions day to day.  And that's ok.

I realize as I struggle with the anxiety and fear of not knowing what will happen, that what I believe most in the world is everything happens for a reason.  My husband and I even have matching tattoos representing these five powerful words.   As I worry about when I will get another job, money, the people I will meet, the job I will do, what I will do on my lunch hour... I have to remind myself that this is simply a new chapter in the book of my life.  It's not only a new chapter, it's an entirely new section as more then 40 hours a week of my life is going to be redefined.  A whole new cast of characters, new lessons, new habits, new friends, a new routine.

I have found myself overwhelmed with anxious feelings surrounding the concept of this new chapter.  I think it's time for me to take control of these feelings.  It's an automatic response for me to fear it.  But as I look back over the past 12 years of being an adult and think about each time a new chapter of my life started, whether it was my choice or not, things do happen for a reason and I need to trust that.  And most of the time, the reasons are wonderful.

It's time to start a gratitude journal.  Instead of focusing on the scary parts of not knowing what's going to happen, except that I am going to have to put on a suit and heels and smile and sell myself to my future employer, it's time to find the beauty in each and every day.  Time to count blessings and look to the deity that is larger then me and trust that everything will be ok.  Here it goes...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Today I am thankful for:

• Walking the streets of our neighborhood with my loving and supportive husband.  We haven't done that in awhile.  We are usually rushing around, planning and executing.  Today we had a tax appointment and the rest of the day was up for grabs.  It was so nice to just walk and talk with this amazing man who I've been with for 10 years this year.  Back when we first met or even first got together, I never could have imagined what a blessing his presence in my life would be.  I am so eternally grateful to call him mine.

• sunshine and blue skies in February
• flat shoes
• a warm scarf

Until tomorrow...




 

New Year, New Me?

Since the last time I posted, pure insanity seemed to take over.  I had a lot of trips I had to take, some business, some personal - but too many for my comfort.  So it's only since two weeks ago that I got home from trip #9 that I felt like I could breathe.  I learned for sure that a life on the road is not for me.  I knew this before, but after nine trips in five months, I realize it's time to learn the word "no".  


Changes in the New Year:
1. Take control of my health and fitness - recommitted to Weight Watchers and Dan has challenged me to run the Shamrock Shuffle 8k in March.
2. Save, save, save!  Our last big item on our pre-baby bucket list is to go to Italy. 
3. Cooking at home - this one supports both previously stated changes.  Eating out less = more money in our pockets and less calories that end up on my hips.


I'm not sure what this means for finding my own crazy, but I'm hoping that putting myself first leads me to it!  Will I finally fall in love with running?  I'm open to it!  All signed up for the Shamrock Shuffle and officially starting training tomorrow.


Also, I'm enjoying cooking from home.  With time to plan meals and my new cookbook, I'm happily eating better!  Here was dinner last night:

Yum!  Filet Mignon and Mushroom Stroganoff.  After two weeks of getting back on track, I'm feeling much more calm and confident to make things happen.  I turned 30 last August and find I'm listening more to that biological clock ticking.  It's time to finally commit to a healthy lifestyle and hopefully see a change in my body.  I want to feel and look better and adopt a healthier lifestyle well before we have kids.  I hope to manage a healthy pregnancy and be able to drop the weight post baby without having the added challenge of losing the extra weight I'm currently carrying.  

Week 1-2 lessons:
* We take our quads for granted!  I blew out my quads in a lower body strength training workout and walked slow and like I had a stick up you know where for a good three days.  I think going forward I will spread the love and do general whole body strength workouts until I build back up some strength.  Ouch!  Be thankful for the muscles that get us from point A to point B everyday!

* Cooking at home can be just as delicious as eating out.  Hellllloooo Pork Carnitas and fresh guacamole!  


* Saying no can be a good thing, even if it makes you less popular.

Until next time!